I used to think recovery from an eating disorder was simply about learning to eat food again. By my most recent admission I had completely stopped eating food and had almost stopped drinking liquids entirely. In the mess of my tangled, bruised, anguished soul I have learnt, to take a deep breath and acknowledge that healing that needs to begin within, for me to eat food again. Recovery is a moment by moment process. It is not linear, it has a depth and a breadth to it that is not seen above the surface. For each ultimately positive decision, one must walk through a hurricane within. When our brain and our body is starved, one must push and push to come through that initial stage of torment where every move feels like the wrong one. Going against everything I taught myself to know is agony. There is no time to learn this before I face real life unlike math class. Making ultimately positive decisions begins in the chaos, the agony, the trauma. While we are fighting our body, in the face of all we thought we knew, we must step into surrender. Surrender comes unnaturally, and it provides a beautiful platform on which to grow. Making the first step to fuel the body, enables the mind to process a little more and begin again. We do not begin on the ruins of yesterday, we glean from the remnants of yesterday and begin again today. Every moment is a process of growth, surrender, breaking, reevaluating, beginning again. Recovery is more about rebuilding oneself from the ground up, than just learning to eat. Food may be a symptom, or the tip of the ice berg, but the state of the soul, must be captained and governed with diligence, must be set in the direction of truth, of health, of wonder, of hope, of stability. One must look within to begin again. One must rebuild from the inside out to enter a state of being more of who we were created to be... Recovery in building from our old selves into the new..